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Foodie Pseudery (5)

I wish I could say that this is a hoax, but it isn’t. Behold: possibly the most pretentious restaurant review ever written:

The perfumed neck by my side gives off that familiar lemony scent, and suggestions of sandalwood climb past the Scandinavian landscapes that have already come alive against the white-washed walls. I want steak, and a large portion of it – recommended medium-rare with the incredibly smooth Malbec Catena Zapata perhaps? ‘It will blow-your-mind’ Vincenzo says, a curiosity he picks out from Co-owner Xavier Rousset’s almost endless international wine list. He leaves us (or her) with a winning smile, and two shots of cold watercress soup and diced apple puree (offered as a pre-starter).

Table-stalking as I always am, I noticed a Sorority-type girl lean across the table and give her man – a gentle man, I should say, and one of great elegance and remarkable seriousness – a considered kiss. The kiss simmers, and the lights dim and I hear the high notes of Tchaikovsky move in from the Champagne bar (a worthy destination in its own right). The girl draws back mysteriously, provocatively even, and her mouth opens again as she pushes something towards the gentleman, his eyes ablaze now with that half-bottle of Riesling Auslese 2001. ‘It must be the Varlhona white chocoloate mousse with ice cream, dill and cucumber’ I think, and smile at my starter of well-tamed pinkish beetroots, oats, Mizuna and powdered goat’s cheese.

7 Comments Post a comment
  1. DeeCT #

    Harry Hughes must have been on something when he wrote this… I wonder if Foodie Pseudery will be offered as a sport at the next Olympic Games?

    October 7, 2011
    • You know, I think that’s him being pretty normal. His other reviews are as…interesting.

      I LOVE the idea of foodie pseudery being an Olympic sport. I say Alice Waters for gold.

      October 7, 2011
  2. Lila #

    I’m surprised the well tamed beetroots weren’t blue – that writer is about to burst!
    goodness, that’s enough to make you choke

    October 7, 2011
  3. This has just put me OFF my dinner!

    October 7, 2011
    • DeeCT #

      Nooo, Sally! How can ‘n lemony neck and tamed beetroots put you off your large portion of steak? *snigger*

      October 7, 2011
  4. Surely this is in jest – would anyone seriously cite “Dostoevsky, Hemingway, Kierkegaard and Poe as key influences on his literary style”? Either way, when I first read about the perfumed neck at his side, I erroneously imagined it to be what he was about to eat (I dunno: pork-neck? Roasted with whole lemons?). Ehm, well.

    October 10, 2011
    • Apparently it’s absolutely serious. I thought the same about the neck. And wondered why he hadn’t chosen the leg.

      October 10, 2011

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